12 Illegal Men.

THIS JUST IN: NFL rules allow only 11 defensive players on the field at once (offensive too, but we won’t touch that one for now).  If you prefer to play with just 10, well that’s your own prerogative, but when it comes to going one more than the required amount, they tend to frown on that.

Actually, it’s not just the NFL.  Try college, high school, jr. high, or Pop Warner leagues.  11 players on the field at once.  It’s how the game is played, similar to 5 men on the court in basketball, 6 in hockey and 9 in baseball.  Common understanding of the game, usually goes without saying.  Kind of one of those things where you just don’t mention it unless you’re talking to someone who just crawled out from under a rock in Istanbul.

Every once in a while an aurora borealis occurs, Dick Cheney shoots a friend on a quail hunt and some unlucky NFL team gets called for “Illegal Formation: Too Many Men on the Field.”   Usually some douchebag lineman didn’t hustle his 3-hundo pound ass off the field fast enough or a rookie corner got a boner about playing and misread the coach’s decision to put him in.  It’s a 5-yard penalty, it’s usually forgiven and forgotten, and it usually doesn’t affect the outcome of the game very much.

And then there was this past Sunday.   This past Sunday hurt bad.  So much so, that I couldn’t even write about it until now, 48 hours removed from the situation.

Sunday, for some inexplicable reason, during a tight contest with our oldest rival, the Washington Redskins, somebody goofed BIGTIME and sent 12 Cowboys onto the field…. FOLLOWING A TIME OUT for crying out loud.

I just don’t understand.  You’ve had a full commercial break to figure out who’s in and who’s not for this critical 3rd & 2 when you’re trailing the visiting team in the 4th quarter.  Essentially, this is the ball game.  You need to stop this Clinton Portis run and this entire drive, get the ball back and then let the offense take care of business in this extremely important divisional match-up.

But no.  Instead you didn’t notice, or couldn’t count or were distracted by a shiny object.  Yes I’m talking to you, Brian Stewart, Defensive Coordinator.  AFTER A TIME OUT????  That’s on you bro.  I’ve always liked you, but that was a dipshit move.

So even though Demarcus Ware pounded Portis for no gain, you have handed the Redskins 5 free yards, to move the chains for a first down and lead to a 29 yard field goal that seals the game.  Because we lost by 2 points.

Fantastic.

There’s no arguing that the NFC East is the toughest division in the league.  We boasted both playoff wildcards, the #1 seed and the eventual Super Bowl champion last year.  Current power rankings have all 4 teams in the top 10 and I will put down $100 right now that says both wildcards come out of the East again this year.  Which means that ONE team and ONE team alone out of the four will not advance to the post-season.  Don’t mistake me for Doomsday Prophecies.  I’m just saying, the division record is Im-Por-Tant.

However… now we have the same record as Washington, except they’ve got us beat in standings because (shocker) they beat us in the heads-up.  And that was at home.  So, we’ll just roll the dice & hope for the best that we can beat them in D.C. this year, because they smoked us 27-6 at FedEx Field last year. In fact, the last time we beat them on the road was 2004, in a basement battle of mediocrity when we managed not to suck as bad as they did, squeak out a 3 point win & finish the season 6-10.

See, this is why I couldn’t write this before today.  I’m still mad about it.

Let’s Move On.

The Patriots had a bye, so Randy Moss was able to score me just 5 pts less than he has all season.  I’m hoping that Tom Brady hobbled his (incredibly sexy but) torn ACL over to Foxboro and taught Matt Cassell how to put the ball in Moss’ hands once or twice a game, preferrably in the end zone.  Oh and in response to your question Tom, yes, I will marry you.  Broken leg and all.

Eli Manning’s G-Men also sat the bench this weekend and by defaulting into another week of unbeaten status, took over the top spot in the ESPN Power Rankings  Whatever.  It’s not like they won the Super Bowl or anything.

Cincinatti continued it’s downward spiral of destruction while Ryan Fitzpatrick threw 1 TD and 3 INTs.  Now there is a product that Highland HS and all of Gilbert, really, can be proud of.  Don’t worry Fitz, you’ve got a degree from Harvard; you’ll be all right.   In the same game, Cleveland pulled off its first win. Welcome back, Jamal Lewis.

Josh Scobee better be careful or he’s going to get a rap as a clutch kicker in game-winning decisions.  I suggest All State to insure that golden foot of yours, Josh.  Much more effective than Triple A.  On a side note, I’m glad Jack Del Rio has retired the 3-piece suit as sideline attire.  Maybe that’s old news, but that’s how much I pay attention to the Jaguars coaching staff.

Kansas City beat Denver (I told you Broncos fans to be careful after week 2), New Orleans won over San Francisco in a game that pissed me off because Reggie Bush had to split carries with Deuce McAllister and the Jets effectively ended any talk of the Cardinals being an NFC West powerhouse on a day that sent Anqwan Boldin to the hospital.  Glad to hear you’re doing okay Qwan, you’re in everyone’s prayers.

Tampa Bay beat Green Bay?  I must have missed it.  Based on the box score I’m guessing the Bucs took it on time of possession because most of the other stats are evenly matched or the Pack has the advantage… That and the running game.  Props to Earnest Graham, I suppose.

Well Tennesse is certainly making a name for itself and I couldn’t be happier because the defense is consistently earning me double-digit points. 30-17 over Minnesota and a 4-0 record. Man, the Vikings can’t catch a break this year.

San Diego & Buffalo beat teams they were supposed to beat, Chicago took out Philly (sigh of relief) and Pittsburgh eeked out an OT win against the Ravens on Monday night.

So, there you have it. Week 5 is on the way and I’m banking on a bounceback Bengal thrashing in Dallas to make things right again… Before Dallas comes to Phoenix on Oct. 12 and I lose my damn mind in University of Phoenx stadium.  I will be beligerent and when we win I will wave my Tony Romo jersey in the face of every Cardinals fan in a 10 foot radius.  Can’t freakin wait.

Fantasy Fallout:

Romo still threw up 23 pts in the Cowboys depressing loss, so I can’t hold anything against him, but Chris Chambers took a fat shit and drug Reggie Bush down with him, so I suffered a 50 point blowout & effectively halted my winning streak at 2.  I’d also to like to thank Scheffler for his 2 point contribution. Really helpful, buddy.

Subsequently, Chris Cameron and I are no longer friends.

ASU Students On Board with Obama

PHOENIX, Ariz. – John McCain’s last minute decision to go ahead with the first presidential debate on Friday left the media relations office at Arizona State University with little time to get things in order.

 

But Julie Newberg and Marshall Terrill took the changing plans in stride and within hours had a group of nearly 50 students, faculty and staff assembled at the First Amendment Forum in the Walter Cronkite School.  The crowd gathered to watch the first of three square-offs between presidential hopefuls McCain and Barack Obama and snacked on the free popcorn that had been provided.

 

Newberg and Terrill also knew what to do to get five television crews and one radio station at the event, so the media outlets could record the reactions of students after the verbal onscreen battle that raged mainly about the war on terror and taxes.

 

“I think the stations like to see these events with a non-partisan reaction,” said Newberg, who works with the Cronkite School but still maintains an office at the Tempe campus.  “It’s a different atmosphere than the Democratic or Republican Party headquarters and it allows them to hear students’ reactions to the candidates’ statements.”

 

Students’ reactions following the debate, though varied in reasoning, seemed to reflect the same trend that the Gallup polls have reported since the 2008 election became a two-horse race.  On a night when national polls were fairly evenly split between parties, ASU students demonstrated that 18 to 29-year-olds are overwhelmingly for Obama.

 

Dan Neligh, an 18-year-old freshman from Denver, had walked in the door already confident in his support for the Illinois senator and left in the same manner.

 

“A lot of what they said reaffirmed my beliefs in both candidates. I did learn some, especially about health care and their general positions. But otherwise I felt McCain spent a lot of time on fluffy, pathos-oriented arguments that don’t really sway me much and I thought that Obama’s points were rational and very factual,” said the journalism major.

 

 

Fellow freshman Lenni Rosenblum, on the other hand, showed up because it was her job to serve the popcorn.  The New Jersey native seemed split down the middle beforehand, but decided to stick around after her shift ended and seemed to have a better idea of her position at the close of the evening. 

 

Examining the notes she took, Rosenblum said, “McCain seemed to be on the defensive and financially seems to want to eliminate the middle class.  I really didn’t like how he flaunted his service in the military as if to one-up Obama.  Although McCain made some good points, Obama would be potentially better for the Middle East, in terms of relations with them, and he was really confident and did a good job of playing the offensive.”

 

Sophomore Joshua Graham started the night with a slight Democratic lean, although admitting that he listened with a neutral ear, in case the Republicans offered something he did not see in his party.  From a public speaking background, Graham saw McCain’s responses and demeanor as rude and Obama as the clear winner. 

 

“I’m feeling a lot stronger about my decision,” said the 19-year-old who considers the economy the top priority right now.  “The title of the job is President of the United States.  Every time I hear Obama talk, it’s geared toward the American people.  Whenever McCain is speaking, it’s about something someone said in Russia.”

 

One of the very last to leave the building, senior Eric Fink seemed to have a vested interest in the events of the night.  A self-described political junkie, the California senior, 21, has been a staunch Obama supporter since the primary.  In his view, though, neither candidate necessarily earned a victory.

 

“I thought it was a draw.  But the thing is, Senator McCain is behind and you need to clearly win that opening debate when you’re the underdog.  The economy has not helped his campaign and he didn’t win tonight.  The issue about eight years of President Bush is something he has to defend and he didn’t do that.  He linked himself too closely to Bush.”

 

Fink believes this is the most important election of everyone’s lifetime, probably the biggest since John F. Kennedy was the Democratic nominee.  Now in his third year as the moderator of “Firestorm,” a political debate program that airs Wednesdays at 7 p.m. on the Blaze 1260 AM, he makes it a point at the end of every show to remind his listeners to vote.

 

 

Neligh, Rosenblum, Graham and Fink are all voting in their first presidential election, all by absentee ballot and all with a sense of pride and excitement.  Fink missed the 2004 age cutoff by just over six months.  Neligh will send his ticket to the battleground state of Colorado, where WashingtonPost.com shows less than a 10 percent advantage to Obama.  

 

As the lingering TV crew wrapped its final interview, Newberg looked around the room and felt pleased with the fruit of her labor under pressure. 

 

“This is pretty good for a Friday night,” she commented.

 

Judging by the reactions of the students, they felt the same.

Parking Rate Increase Proposed to Raise City Income

PHOENIX, Ariz. – Increased parking garage and meter rates and longer metered hours may be on the horizon for downtown residents and employees, after the Phoenix City Council unanimously approved a study recommended by the Special Revenue Task Force at Tuesday’s policy meeting.

The parking rate hike was one of 10 concepts proposed by Deputy City Managers Ed Zuercher and David Krietor that would generate additional income for the city without raising taxes. The Council approved Zuercher and Krietor’s request for appropriate departments to conduct further research and design potential implementation plans for these concepts.

Zuercher, who co-chaired the Special Revenue Task Force with Krietor, said during his presentation that many changes have occurred since the last time parking meter rates were raised, most notably the growing nightlife and the number of parked cars after business hours.

Council approval means the plan will be sent to the to the Street Transportation Department for an in-depth study. Thomas L. Godbee, deputy director of the Right of Way Coordination Division, will oversee the process, according to Department Business Liaison Kelly Doell.

Other special revenue initiatives, such as the creation of a city of Phoenix affinity credit card, could take up to six months before final plans are submitted. Garage and meter price considerations, however, will likely get underway much sooner.

“The parking idea is fairly straightforward, because the question is just how much do we want to raise the rates. That has to be a discussion by the council as to what they feel is fair. I think it will generate a lot of conversation, because everyone has an opinion about much they pay to park,” said Zuercher.

Councilman Michael Johnson, whose district includes the Cronkite School, is at the National Black Caucus of State Legislators in Washington, D.C. and was unable to attend the policy session.

Adora Lewis, Johnson’s chief of staff said, “While I have yet to speak with him about this specific recommendation, he is very much aware of the downtown parking situation for students and workers.”

The Special Revenue Task Force was formed in July at the request of Mayor Phil Gordon and the City Council. A group of 25 representatives from city departments compiled 300 ideas before narrowing Tuesday’s list to 10, based on their potential ease and profitability.

Gordon and the Council were searching for ways to balance the budget, which suffered recent service cuts as revenues declined. The Task Force estimates that the 10 proposed concepts could raise $7.5 million by the end of the fiscal year.

Let’s go to East Lambeau where the youngstas gettin hyphy

BLOW THE WHISTLE!!!

Another prime time date with destiny for the Dallas Cowboys.  Six days after they gave the network its highest rated Monday Night Football game of all time, Tony rounded up the herd, headed to Green Bay, then decided to personally suck it up for a few hours and rely on Barber, Miles Austin & the defensive line to bail him out.  Regardless, the League’s Best Team’s recorded its first ever win at Lambeau Field. Five Showdowns in Franchise History had gone to the Pack every time, but apparently if you give Romo some sort of bad streak to break this season, he’s on the job.   Another great end to a great day of football.   Who doesn’t love the Joan Jett -knockoff for the opening song, by the way?  I really HAVE been waiting all day for Sunday Night.  Rock out, Faith Hill.

I attempted a live-blogging experience during the actual game, but it turns out I get too involved in the game and forget to type.  So that got the kabosh pretty quickly.  At Nick Collins’ interception, I jumped up so fast in anger, I actually judo-chopped my laptop off the ledge it was resting on.  It seemed like the best thing to do was just leave it alone after that.

Anyway, what can I say?  Romo did not have a great day, T.O. notched 25 receiving yards and yet we still pulled out the Big Dub against a seriously legit team. Multiple ways to win, huh?!?! It must be 1993 again.   Makes me feel all warm & fuzzy.   

Sitting pretty atop the NFC East toughest division in football is a good feeling.  Being one of just 2 teams in the NFC and 6 in the whole league not to lose a game yet is a great feeling.  And proving for the time being that we are the team to beat  is …. well how do you say this…. fucking spectacular.  Sorry, Tony… “Oh darn” just wasn’t going to cut it this time.  I’m too proud of you.  You’re my boy, Blue.

Now around the league, what other headlines were there of consequence?

Oh yes, that’s right.  Someone forgot to tell Ronnie Brown that the Dolphins are not good.  Joey Porter saved money on the return trip from Foxboro, not having to check the kitchen sink he packed for Matt Cassel.  It’s safe to say 55 left that one on the field for memory’s sake.  Did anyone really see that coming?  I know the Dolphins traditionally play the Pats tough, but 38-13 is just flat out humiliating.  I blame the lack of cutoff hoodie on Belichick.  Maybe now that the autumnal equinox has passed, he can move into his fall wardrobe and bring back the trademark style.  Otherwise Bill Parcells’ piercing man boobs are going to have to take over the talk of the town again and it’s just not fair to the fans, considering we can barely make out the Tuna’s crowning glory from the booths these days.  Glass screens just do not do his Double D’s justice. 

Peyton Manning & Jamarcus Russell are on the “Too Bad For You” side of game-winning field goals at the wire.  They are also both 1-2 in their divisions, although that’s where the similarites end, because Russel’s Raiders are actually sitting higher in the  West than the Horses are in the South.  In 21-ish days, my entire AFC predictions have been Chuck-Norris-round-house-kicked to Hell.  Just cross your fingers for the Chargers tonight, would you?  I’d like to see them pull it together sooner rather than later, if for no other reason than to knock my brother down from his clowd (He lives in Denver). 

Pittsburgh tanked against the Eagles, Tenessee rolled through the Texans …. and then some other non-important teams played each other in absolutely meaningless match-ups.  Seattle-St. Louis, I think? Detroit-San Fran maybe?  And I will give 5 dollars to the first person who can tell me which team beat Cleveland…  I can’t remember to save my life.   Oh that’s right, Baltimore.  NFL.com had my back.

Sitting on a 30 point lead with only Antonio Gates left to play on my opponent’s team, I am ecstatic to cruise to my 2nd straight fantasy win this season and in doing so, knock off the last undefeated in our league.  

So, what’s my secret?  Well I’ve got Frank Gore, Reggie Bush & Matt Forte…. 20+ games from all of them.

  ”I earn points crazy fast!!!”

May I have this dance, T-t-t-tipper??

(Name the comedic genius behind the title of this blog and win a free year’s worth of my respect and adoration).

Did I miss something here?  Did Joey Porter honest-to-god pack the kitchen sink in his travel bag to Foxboro?  I’m pretty sure I saw him unload it in the first quarter, then toss it at Cassel in the second.  Then, in an ungodly display of actual football talent, much to the home crowd’s dismay, the Dolphins racked up 28 points by mid-3rd quarter? I mean, what in the smokes is going on here?

And for the love of Peter Griffin, could somebody PLEASE THROW THE G.D BALL TO RANDY MOSS????? If Cassel doesn’t want to do it, I suggest any number of other options, including but not limited to the 3rd string QB (whose name escapes me at the moment),  Ronnie Brown who threw for a TD for the Dolphins, Antwaan Randle-El or Jerheme Urban, who have both completed passes for 10+ yards in the Redskins-Cardinals game, or possibly my Great-Aunt Nancy, who is currently recovering from a stroke.  Get it together, Bellichik.  Fire your offensive coordinator.  Then your defensive coordinator who couldn’t figue out how to stop Ronnie Brown.  Then go cut some sleeves off a hoodie and wear it.

As I write, The Dolphins score their 5th TD  at the start of the 4th quarter.  What a disaster, the Patriots are getting manhandled by the Fins.  New England lost 1 game last year.  Miami won 1.  God, I miss Tom Brady.

Great game going on between the Cardinals & the Redskins, although I can’t say the same for the commentating.  This is a direct quote:

“Wow, the crowd’s really getting into it, looks like they must have got something good to eat at halftime.”

Really?

Not because the Redskins are poised to score right now?  You’ve come to the genius conclusion that the excitement in the stands is a direct result of a Kosher dog and some Red Rope?   Who (and I’d really like to know) did you sleep with to get your job?  I banish you.  You are banished.

Other news around the league:

1. Matt Forte has gone to work, racking up 17 fantasy points, which (maybe) will offset the 2 I’ve secured from Moss.
2. The Raiders are beating Buffalo, 16-7 (12:48 in the 4th).  It’s a bad day for the AFC East.
3. Chicago and Tampa Bay are locked in a slugfest, 17-14, in a game that really doesn’t matter to anyone but Bears and Bucs fans.
4. Minnesota may be on its way to the first win of the season.  17-10 over Carolina with 9 minutes left.  Don’t worry Tarvaris, you’re cuter than Gus Ferotte, at least you’ve got that going for you.
5. Bengals keeping pace with the Giants??? I must be dreaming.  Well, I’m rooting for CIncy, anytime a division rival goes down, it’s good for the Boys.
6. Tennessee is beating Houston.  Shocker.

QUESTION:  If you know the answer, please inform. Why are False Start and Illegal Formation signaled by referees with the same hand motion?

Moere live blogging to come, so stay glued to your computer screen.

Are YOU ready for some football?

Back to business on the field… So many interesting games to keep up with this week, and with my beloved Cowboys designated for prime time, I have the entire day to keep tabs on what else is happening around the league. 

• Arizona’s (presumed) first loss, for example, against a fairly strong Redskins team.  Or maybe, they’ll pull a fast one on Jason Campbell & Co.
• Joey Porter’s “Kitchen Sink” comment about Matt Cassell, and whether the Dolphins really can beat the Patriots.  Hey, stranger things have happened.
• Will the Chargers finally get their first win? I say yes, but stay tuned…
• Da Bears have no Devin Hester.  How does the rest of the team fare?
• Ben Roethlisberger is a little banged up and has to play a tough Eagles team who is no doubt looking to rebound from their Monday loss to the Cowboys.  Hines Ward needs to score me 20 points in fantasy.  Come on Big Ben, get to steppin

All this and much, much more to play out while I moniter my 1-1 fantasy team who is matched up against the league leader with a very tough line-up.  God, Sundays really are the best day of the week (during football season, that is).

I’m officially a PUBLISHED Blogger. Wow, I have so many people to thank…

Oh sweet baby Hay-sus, I have finally peaked.  At the ripe old age of 24, I have finally, officially hit the Big-Time.  Maybe even the Big-Tyme.  Life has crescended, I just don’t know if anything can get better after this.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it is true.  My crafty, well-researched, sharp and witty summation  of the NFL’s Week 1 (namely Tom Brady & the Dallas Cowboys) has been published for the masses and is hitting hundreds of thousands of sports fan as we speak.  Maybe millions.  There’s really no way to gauge the ripples of my effect.  Please hold your applause to the end.

Sitting here at my computer,  hours after I should have already been finished, I found myself needing a break from yet another grad school assignment and decided to go check out my ESPN profile.  I’m playing some sort of whacko fantasy prediction game, in which you have to accurately pick winners on a daily basis… I’m actually sucking it up like a champ, but I wanted to see how my streak was doing. (Turns out I didn’t submit a pick today, so my record of 1-0 has been reset to 0.)  Anyway, I’m getting off the point.

After logging in, I noticed I had a few new posts on my wall.  Mostly the same “thanks for the add” dribble you get when, out of sheer pity, you approve total strangers’ requests to be friends.  But then…. there… sitting atop the usual mindless rabble, shone a sign so sweet and glorious it rang out above the heavens as the skies parted, the champagne overflowed and the angels sang the Hallelujah chorus:

 

CommunityEds (6 days ago)

We included your blog in our NFL wrapup:

http://sportsnation.espn.go.com/fans/CommunityEds/blog/posts/67244

 

And for those of you unfamiliar with the identity of “CommunityEds” just as I was, prior to this miraculous night, it is in fact the official profile of the ESPN.com Editors and the tool they use to locate the best of the best, in terms of fan blogs, and incorporate them into their own weekly cover of The Week That Was in Football.

I nearly fainted.

Now, if you click on the link, I warn you, I am the very last quote of the article (no joke), under the screenname “bekahbean22″ and quoted as “Fe – to – the – Lix Jones jumped right into earning every cent of his rookie contract.”   Actually in my own humble (and now award-winning) opinion, that was one of the least creative lines I wrote, but hey, it’s not my place to pick which snippet gets the nod.  Regardless, they link to my whole post.  And as I have already stated…

I am a published blogger.

Now I have to remember to say thank you to Leslie Jean Thornton, Ph.D., who opened me up to the idea of blogging and for whose blog assignment I actually wrote that particular piece. Couldn’t have done it without you LJ!!

I’d also like to thank my parents for letting me like sports when I was a little girl and only making me feel moderately uncomfortable about it.  Next, my cousin Eric, for regularly wearing Cowboys fan apparel with me as we watch all the games via NFL Sunday ticket, which he purchased.   And of course, the Boom-Goes- the-Dynamite Guy for his inspirational display of true humor in sports media.

Finally, and most significantly, the A-Plus Management Team at Buckle, Inc. whose motivational speeches and risk-taking advice have really come to pay off  for me in the long run.

Without your dedication, I would never have made it this far.  I’d love to stay and dish more, but my agent has already started my blog-signing tour across the country and I don’t want to disappoint my fans.  Check back often for updates and to see if I’m coming to your city.

Polish your pinstripes for Derek Jeter

The man, the myth, the legend… as well as the 2nd best looking face in all of professional sports.  Well, he’s notched himself into baseball history again with all due respect to Lou Gehrig.  Yes, we have witnessed history as it happened. 

 Not only is he a New York Yankee, he’s also the shortstop.  Along with Dallas Cowboys QB and Boston Celtics Big Man, that is a particular position on a traditionally elite team that little boys everywhere dream about being when they grow up.  Hell, it’s probably Jeter’s own doing that it’s such a great spot to be.  He leads the charge of modern-era SS who have come to be known as the premiere players on their teams. In a dynasty whose Biggest Names have mostly come from the mound or the outfield, he’s made it a privilege and an honor to hang out between 2nd & 3rd base.  A-Rod switched positions for him, for cying out loud.  All the while, Jeter’s been a class act and a fan favorite.  The very prototype of a franchise player.

4 World Series titles….9 All-Star Games…3 Golden Gloves….2 Silver Sluggers….All-Star & World Series MVP (in the same year)…Etc….

And now he’s got more hits in Yankees Stadium than anyone in the dazzling franchise’s star-studded history.

What a man.

And if that doesn’t make you give him the slow clap, just take a list at the chicks he’s pulled.  Jessica Alba may still hold a grudge, but I bet even she threw up a fist when the record-breaking hit bounded across the field.   How can you not love him? He’s Derek Jeter…

Too bad the last season ever of Yankees Stadium  won’t see any October action.  Boston and Tampa? The name just fails to conjure up the kind of rivalry, excitement and post-season bravada that comes with Red Sox-Yankees. How can you have the playoffs with no pinstripes? In the words of my man Nelly, “Like a shy stripper, the tish ain’t gonna work.” 

Maybe I wouldn’t be so bummed if my beloved Tigers hadn’t taken the sickest lineup in baseball, then rented a small SUV and confidently, purposefully, driven themselves right into the cellar of the AL Central.  What a waste…

Anyway, today is Jeter’s day. He will forever be known as the All-Time Hits Leader at iconic Yankee Stadium, so give him some love.  Better yet, I’ll give it to him for you.    Just look at those eyes… (sigh)

Really, Yahoo?

“Forget the Lipstick, Economy takes over Campaign”

Yes.  That’s what Yahoo’s TOP news story is boasting right now.  

One major investment bank filed chapter 11, another sold itself at cost and an insurance giant is on the verge of crumbling, but we still have to mention the lipstick? Seriously, AP?  

And actually, it wasn’t a bad article at all once you got past the lede, because it talked very extensively about McCain & Obama’s economic stances and reactions to each other.  But the lipstick thing is driving me nuts.  Some online editor deep in Yahoo or AP Headquarters should get his ass canned fast.  Because if it’s the AP headline editor, he’s a complete moron for writing it and if it’s the Yahoo editor, he’s a complete dip for not changing it before he posted.

It’s a historical presidential election… Hurricanes are beating up the southern part of the country, the economy’s accelerating into the shitter, 24 people died in a train crash in California and as I always feel compelled to point out, THERE’S A  WAR IN IRAQ. But don’t talk about that.  By all means, please make it clear that Cherry Smackers is the most important connection.

All last week, I wanted to drive my car over a bridge imbutment whenever lipstick was mentioned.  Now here we are, Tuesday, Sept. 16th, when timeliness no longer works to its newsworthy quality and yet Revlon Shade 317, be it on pigs, pitt bulls or those blessed hockey moms, refuses to die.  

For the love of God, please knock off the references to anything of and concerning women’s cosmetics and sausage fodder….  My sanity is at stake here.

Q: Why is there a hole in the roof of Texas Stadium? A: So God can watch his favorite team play

2nd Q:  What do you get when you combine two high-powered offenses, about a baker’s dozen turnovers or near turnovers, a crazy-ass kickoff return and an Eagle-flapping Terrell Owens?

A:  Tony Romo’s first home victory as a starter against the hated division rival Philadelphia Eagles.

Yes, up there from his big perch in the sky, God is smiling a litlle larger this morning. My team, America’s team and His favorite are 2-0 and even more importantly, I rebounded from a close loss in the first week of fantasy to top my opponent this week on strength of Romo’s 20 points and Felix Jones’ 7.  Things are really starting to look up for me…

Monday Night Football was created for games like last night:

• Two high-powered offenses, fueled by talent, athleticism, star power and franchise quarterbacks. 
• 20 points in the first quarter.  
• 54 points in the first half (2nd all-time in MNF history).  
• Deep-seeded division rivalry in which the players truly hate each other and the hits on field come harder, faster and stronger.  
• Seven (7) Lead Changes.
• Maximum crowd participation, because there was literally something going on the entire game.  
• A 2-minute comeback attempt by the Eagles that ultimately stalled.
• And of course, a boyish happiness from Romo at the end, full of short & simple answers that have likely taken over his vocab in an effort not to confuse his chicken-of-the-sea eating girlfriend

 And yet I can’t get too dazzled by the lights, because while the game was entertaining, exciting and worth 20 minutes of SportsCenter highlights, I still see GAPING holes that are going to be the death of us if Wade “Still-don’t-have-a-playoff-W” Philips doesn’t get it together.

Penalties.  Seriously, penalties.  TEN OF THEM.  10 for 168 yards. And that’s just the ones they called, because from my lofty position on the couch, I counted a bare minimum of 3 face masks that somehow went unnoticed by the Footlocker Employee Crew. Double digits in penalties? How is that even possible? You’re averaging 2.5 a quarter?? As in, one every five clock minutes or so?  It’s absolute lunacy.  We survived this one on sheer luck and dropped Eagles passes.  I can’t imagine getting that lucky twice.

Also, I’m guessing there was a freak accident at the Dallas Zoo Monday afternoon, where a sleepy herd of kangaroos with down syndrome escaped from their cage, wandered into Texas Stadium, donned the jerseys of the entire Secondary and then waddled into impotence for all but the final 2 minutes of the game. No, scratch that.  Kangaroos would have at least jumped around a bit. Make it walrus.

McNabb is a phenomenal athlete and I take nothing away from him, but we let him throw for 281 yards, rush for another 20 and couldn’t run him down in the pocket (exception = Greg Ellis) or complete a tackle if Jerry Jones’ sideline presence depended on it.  Brian Westbrook went on a tear and our defensive backs were so impressed that they decided to pay him tribute by essentially getting out of the way and making sure his shoes were tied while he racked up 56 yards and 2 touchdowns.  Yikes.

Also, I awoke this morning to discover that Roy Williams fractured his arm and Jason Witten separated a shoulder.  Fan-effing-tastic.  Good thing we only have to go to Lambeau on a short week and play a surprise upstart quarterback with a 117 passer rating.  At least we have that going for us…

In other NFL-related news:

• Chad Johnson does NOT put on for his city.  Nor for my fantasy team any longer.  5 points in 2 weeks isn’t gonna cut it buddy.  Good luck with the Reebok contract thing
• Could the real Randy Moss please stand up?  I need a little more from you than 2 catches for 22 yards, sir.  I don’t care about “well he and Brady just had so much chemistry, blah blah blah.”  You’re a future Hall of Famer.  Find the damn chemistry with Cassel and find it fast.
• Broncos fans everywhere should not change their socks til the season is over.  Lucky flukes may get you out of week 2, but the Chargers are still the best 0-2 team I’ve ever seen (losing both games by a total of 3 combined points) and far and away still the best chance the AFC West has of playing in late January.
• Vince Young… wtf?
• Arizona is 2-0 for the first time since 1991.  Never mind that they’ve played the 49ers and the Dolphins.  Just get overly zealous and start yelling cuz it’s clearly  a Super Bowl shuffle sign….     FACT: The last time an NFC West team won it all was 2000, when the Rams handled the Titans on strength of (dare I say it…) Kurt Warner’s arm.  Sniff…sniff… I smell plotline!

 

In other Bekah-related news:

• Tom Brady has had some free time this week and I’m almost certain that he’s decided to kick Gisele to the curb and pursue me full-time.  I’m not saying I’d put a thousand dollars on the over-under, but you’d definitely be safe to take a $500 straight up bet on that.

On a parting note, if you’ve got a spare 5 minutes, go to youtube and watch T.I’s new video, “Whatever You Like.”   It’s my new favorite tune and a way cute video.  Do it.